The Myth About Marriage
Ok, it's January the first month of my #YearOfLavish so it's time for me to be real with myself, I'm turning 30 & I'm unmarried. The elders in my family & some of my friends have cast already their judgement on me, probably come to their own conclusion, think its my fault or assume that I'm gay especially as my hair is hella short but kiss my ass so what!
But last year I realised that I honestly don't give a flying fuck what others think of my relationship status.
Yes I'm single, yes I have no kids, yes I don't know if/when I will get married & I am totally fine with it. Obviously being single has its pros and cons, not having someone to share your life with especially as I'm affectionate as hell is hard, but going to bed knowing that I'm not part of no drama or worrying about no man cheating or disrespecting me has me sleeping like a baby that just got their last bottle for the day! I've always prided myself as being a woman that is a rebel and makes up my own rules so WHY would I allow the norm of what people assume a woman should do nowadays stop me? Now that's not to say that I don't want kids or to have a partner but I'm not going to allow others opinions & way of thinking affect me because last time I checked if I did decide to listen to them and push out a child NONE of them would help me to babysit or help me out, so they can kindly face the wall!
When I reached 27 I witnessed what I call the commitment boom, every man,woman and dog I knew was engaged, having a baby, moving in etc & all I could do...was like their status, Instagram or Facebook post (Snapchat wasn't even around..can you imagine?) I saw the perception of perfect couples who wore the same outfits, trainers and fed each other food with some lovey dovey caption underneath it to make all us singletons feel like total diarrhoea. Let me clear up...I am not a hater, no-one is a hopeless romantic more than me I truly love seeing others happy & in love, everyone deserves the right to find their lifelong partner & get what they deserve.
When I recently wrote my blog "How To Survive Being Single At Christmas" I received interesting comments not only from my fellow singletons BUT married couples on their opinions so I thought instead of me always ranting & telling you my life which you all seem to laugh at that I would get the opinion of you guys my dope #Renegades on their opinion on the myths of marriage and relationships as a whole.
Male, married
1. How long have you been together?
Married now for 5 months, prior to that engaged for just over a year, together for about 2 years prior to that.
2. Please provide us details with your wedding?
Oh the wedding was amazing. It was in Croatia as my wife is half Croatian. in a small church where most of her family have been married or christened in it was very sentimental. Then the reception was in a hillside venue with a great view of the sea and mountain scenery. Groomsman wore grey suits with a mint tie/pocket square while the bridesmaids had Mint dresses. We literally partied all night and all morning getting back home about 9am the following day lol. Croatians really know how to party.
3. What do you love the most about your partner?
Her down to earth approach to everything, we don't agree on everything but can always work things out with her approach. She's not a typical girl by any means.
4. What irritates you the most regarding your partner?
Her insecurity/paranoia with the smallest of things.
5. What have your learned about marriage?
I think marriage isn't much new when you've already been in a long term committed relationship together. In our case we've been together almost 4 years now and marriage was just an amazing day, title change and accessory. Best day of my life by far an it's probably given us more of a sense of permanency. I know even more so if we argue no matter how bad it is, we'll always fix it. That's what you do in a marriage.
6. What's the biggest MYTH about marriage?
One claim is that marriage is the end of your sex life. Absolute bollocks lol. Although we haven't had kids yet that might change then *cries*. Also to be honest that marriage changes everything, it really doesn't.
7. What do you miss about being single?
Honestly? lol Having that bit more freedom... does that mean I can't do what I want? No, but I always consider the feelings of my wife when I'm going to do something. I can't just go lol. There's more of a responsibility. As a singleton you no responsibility to anyone but yourself.
8. What characteristics should we look out for in a life partner?
Attributes in a life partner hmmm. I think this is different for everyone. But the main things to me are a sensible approach to life, finance, children etc. I'm all for spending money and doing everything under the sun but it's good to have someone that you can do all of that within reason.
9. How did you know you was ready for marriage?
I knew I was ready when other women stopped interesting me at all, it's easy to be happy with your partner but still wanna see other women. I knew pretty early on that I didn't want to.
10. What advice would you give a single person?
Have as much fun as possible while you're single. Doesn't mean that you have to be a (insert any derogatory word here) but get out there and make sure you don't waste any time! Once you meet that person you'll know and never look back.
Please finish the following statements:
Marriage is....something that says you're ready for a family
Love is..... something special
The size of the ring.... is irrelevant it's about what it signifies
When things get hard... always keep sight of the commitment you made
Whilst I was single I wish I....took more chances (I'll keep it vague lol)
I know I'm a good husband when....my wife gives me a reminder some how some how way even if I haven't even done anything
Female, was previously engaged
1. How long have you been single?
A year
2. What was your longest relationship?
4 months
3. What do you love the most about being single?
No compromises
4. What irritates you the most regarding being single?
Irregular sex
5. What is your opinion about marriage?
The wedding seems like it'd be a great party, not so sure about after.
6. What's the biggest MYTH about marriage?
Probably that it's the be all and end all to life taken as the ultimate goal for some.
7. What do you miss about being engaged?
The company, the caring, regular sex, just the general intimacy that's on a different level.
8. What characteristics should we look out for in a life partner?
Stable - mentally & financially, kind, caring, generous, funny, the usual cliche stuff, intelligent, educated, cultured, open-minded, easy going, and down to earth.
9.How will you know when you are ready for marriage?
I think I'm ready, I'm settled in my job, I have my own place so now maybe it'd be nice to have someone at home though I still fear them messing up my lifestyle!
10. What advice would you give another single person?
Enjoy it and don't let others put pressure on you to find someone and settle for less than your worth.
Please finish the following statements:
Marriage is...a joke
Love is...bullsh*t
The size of the ring...is important
When things get hard...work through it and if that fails...leave
Whilst I was engaged I wish I...didn't cheat hahaha it might have lasted!
Brandon, male, in a relationship
Brandon & Efosa
1. How long have you been together?
We’ve been together for 7 months and we’ve known each over year
2. Please provide us details with your wedding?
Not yet married but the talk of marriage and weddings has come up. She doesn't believe in long term dating (e.g. 2 years) Location will most likely be England and Nigeria (traditional). She wants white, gold and silver and for me personally I want white and sky blue. It's simple and I like blue. Yes I'm a guy and I have taught in depth about my wedding and marriage even before I got in a relationship.
3. What do you love the most about your partner?
She is very straight forward and doesn't sugar coat anything I think it's because I am very opposite to that, thus the reason I am attracted to it. Also she drives me and keeps me on my toes, especially in the area of my personal walk with Christ.
4. What irritates you the most regarding your partner?
She is easily annoyed and sometimes angered. She has her beliefs and ideas of how things should work, so when people go against it, the annoyance comes in. Again I am opposite to that and I am the type that can let certain things go easily, she doesn't, she wants to sort it out there and then. .
5. What have your learned about your relationship?
It's a lot of work; you put in a lot of work to make sure you have a happy, steady and successful relationship. The biggest thing I really had to work on was understanding her and why she behaves the way she does. What makes her smile, what makes her cry, what she doesn't like and does like. Not using my own knowledge or my preferences in life to cater for her. She is different from me so she receives loves differently. I don't really care for gifts but she loves gifts. Buy her a fillet-of-fish and she'll be over the moon! I wondered why at first until I came to understand that, she believes you buying her gifts like that is sign that you remembered her and she's in your thoughts. So really taking the time to time to study and understand your partner is very important. With that comes the willingness to sacrifice and do things that your partner desires of you. (I'm not saying change your principles, morals or values) but go out of your way to make the extra effort. You must be willing and if you love the person you will be willing. Also a lot of patience is needed.
6. What's the biggest MYTH about marriage?
You can completely know a person. Just being in a relationship there has been so many unveiling of different characteristics, even in me personally. Some people say they fully know their partner even in marriage, I don't believe so. Human beings continue to grow every day, so there's always something new to learn about your partner.
7. What do you miss about being single?
Not being accountable to anyone yes might sound somewhat selfish. I miss making decisions without thinking of someone else. In the past I could buy a ticket at midnight to travel at 6am in the morning and not worry about who cares. Now I have to include my partner in plans or mention it to her.
8. What characteristics should we look out for in a life partner?
Someone who shares the same principles and core values as you do, this means you both have the same foundation and taught process on how you want to build your life in the future. Someone you can grow with. We all continue to grow and learn in life. I've heard people in marriages say "you're not the same person I married". Uhmm of course she'she isn't the same person, you can't stay the same person for 10 years! So it's important you identify someone you can grow with. Someone who is willing, I mentioned making sacrifices for your partner. If you requested something from your partner and they aren't even willing to try and apply or make changes for you, then check it, speak to them about it.
9. How did you know you was ready for marriage?
Before I got into a relationship I actually taught I was ready for marriage and my relationship has helped expose my weaknesses and areas I need to grow, As a man, as an individual, as a person and a friend. They say you can never be truly ready for marriage but when you can answer these questions (Do you love the person? If you wake up tomorrow would you rather have someone else? Can you trust your life with this person? Do you know for certain that the person loves you? Can you build your desired life and future with this person? Are both of you heading the same direction?)
Then you must know that you are emotionally, mentally, spiritually and physically mature as well as financially secured (not just for a wedding but the actual marriage itself),
10. What advice would you give a single person?
Take your time to understand and study the person you want to be with. Know yourself and exactly what it is you want from future partner and the relationship. Pray to God for direction as well.
Please finish the following statements:
Marriage is.... a union and vow between a man and a woman to be with each other and no one else.
Love is... making my partner happy and sacrificing what is needed to achieve that goal
The size of the ring is... whatever she wants; she’s the one wearing it so my fellow gentlemen get her what she wants!
When things get hard...sit and talk about it without hiding your taught and emotions. Lay your heart on the table and make genuine efforts to work it out.
Whilst I was single I wish... I experienced life more and got to know myself more.
I know I'm a good wife/husband.... when my wife smiles seven times a day and I can provide her with everything she needs.
Follow Brandon & Efosa:
Efosa Eweka
Instagram : @e.eweka
Facebook: Efosa Eweka-Okera / I Will Testify
Youtube: www.youtube.com/iwilltestify1211
Brandon Airihenbuwa
Instagram @brand_air
Twitter @brand_air
Riia, female, engaged
Riia & her fiance
1. How long have you been together?
Well, my fiance & I have been together exactly 10 years! It sounds so long and weird when I say that out loud, wow. We officially got engaged March 2016 due to wed May 2017...Yayy!
2. Do you remember when you first met?
Quite a boring story, I remember exactly when, where & how. It was a Sunday evening at the end of September 2006, my friends needed a lift to uni as they were attending the same one and sharing a house. One of the girls asked her dad's friends as he had a large car. One of my cousins and I were accompanying them to see the house. So the car came and in total there are 5 girls getting in the car. As we go in, my cousin see's a guy she recognised who happened to be the drivers son. That was the first time we had seen each other, fast forward a few days my cousin had given him my number and told him I was single, I was not impressed, i.e was very persuasive and determined!
3. What do you love the most about your partner?
I love the fact that he is so caring (but I also dislike that about him) & he's thoughtful
4. What irritates you the most regarding your partner?
Arrrgghh the fact that he CAN cook but always prefers me to all ALLLLL the cooking or handling of food. Especially when he's had a day off.
5. What have your learned about marriage?
Don't rush into it and it is better to do it when both parties are 1000% sure
6. What's the biggest MYTH about marriage?
Once you get married it's like having babies. You lose your friends. My partner and I have been living like a married couple for about 9 years (yes I started young). You got out of it what you put in, it's important to listen to each other.
7. What do you miss about being single?
Not being able to just up and go. Before doing something or going anywhere you always have the other person to consider. Looonngg.
8. What characteristics should we look out for in a life partner?
Honestly I think everyone is different, I kind of knew straight away that we would last for a very long time. We just gelled so well and had so much in common. It was serious and fun from the get go. Honesty is definitely one thing I would say everyone needs to be. Being open and being able to communicate freely.
9. How did you know you was ready for marriage?
It just felt right especially as we'd been together for a long time. It was actually frustrating that he was taking long to go down that route.
10. What advice would you give a single person?
Definitely date and learn from the shit dates too. Some guys make rubbish boyfriends but really good friends. Being engaged/married doesn't mean you lose your friends. That's a personal choice.
Please finish the following statements:
Marriage is...the best Partnership ever formed. I would love for this to be forever but you never know. I’m old fashioned and think people give up too easily.
Love is... more than just a feeling. Love affects the way you behave and the way you treat your other half.
The size of the ring... I’ll find out January 21st!
When things get hard... pray. Gospel music always soothes me. Don’t stress too, my sister in-law once lost money. Instead of tracing her steps and getting mad, she just picked herself up. She said she still would’ve lost it by spending it.
Whilst I was single I wish... I stayed single longer. Had more fun as a single girl, not that I regret anything I’ve done.
I know I'm a good girlfriend when... he spends more money. Sometimes I feel like it’s his way of rewarding me or showing his appreciation. I don’t like shopping, so I’ve got a wardrobe full of designer clothes lol.
Karla, female, single
1. How long have you been single?
I have been single since 2011.
2. What was your longest relationship?
Officially 1 year.
3. What do you love the most about being single?
I don't have to think about how my decisions will effect my other half.
4. What irritates you the most regarding being single?
Feeling unloved or unworthy of a real relationship.
5. What is your opinion about marriage?
I believe in marriage and I only intend to get married once because I believe in the promises made especially going through hard times with my life partner and sticking by them.
6. What's the biggest MYTH about marriage?
Biggest myth = You're happy all the time.
7. What do you miss about being in a relationship?
PDA and cuddling up to watch a movie and chill.
8. What characteristics should we look out for in a life partner?
Unfiltered honesty- you're going to be truthful without me having to ask for it.
9. How will you know you are ready for marriage?
When I respect and I'm in love with all aspects of myself emotionally, mentally and physically.
10. What advice would you give a single person?
Don't settle for anything less than you DESERVE! And spend your single time finding out who you really are so you don't lose yourself when you get into a real relationship.
Please finish the following statements:
Marriage is... sharing your life with someone and building a new one together. It is a sacred bond that no one needs to understand except the two people in it. It is until the day I die.
Love is... selfless, raw and honest.
The size of the ring... shows how well you know me.
When things get hard... it will show me if you will stay, fight for us or/and support each other.
Whilst I was relationship I wish I... had trusted my intuition more and been a little less compromising.
Follow Karla: Instagram @angelique.mckenzie
Firstly I would like to say thank you to all the #Renegades who agreed to open and allow me to feature them on my blog. Your honesty & realness was so refreshing to hear in regards to your personal life & opinion on a whole. From the responses it's easy to see that I have that you guys are all SO DOPE & I'm privileged to have you on my blog!
If you would like to voice your opinion every week in regards to life, love and relationships then don't forget to join my Facebook Live chat every week here on a Wednesday!