No seriously I want to know the answer to this. But first let me woosah and retract as to why I'm even asking this question and let me put a disclaimer before you men get in your feelings. 

I was having a conversation with my girls aka my "betches" yes I spell and pronounce the word like this on purpose. Kiss my ass so what. Feel free to use the word as well Renegades. Anyway, we were discussing relationships over a bottle...or 6 of wine as you do and obviously being the intellectual grown business women that we are the conversation usually steers towards speaking about the evolution of humanity, equal rights and political views...*cough* 

I'm NOT saying every waste man out there knows how to lay the pipe well, that would be a lie and I haven't had THAT many dicks in my life to even make that generalisation before you try to throw shade at me, and NO I'm not saying a "good man" doesn't know how to blow your back out either.

HOWEVER...

What we was discussing was that if you are with a man that doesn't have much going on for themselves, doesn't treat your right, do what they need to do not only as YOUR man but a man point blank period why we choose to STILL go above and beyond for this cockafart and we try to make it work irrespective of the fact that you know damn well that this relationship isn't going anywhere and usually it's because of one thing....

D.....I.....C.....K 

Yes I capitalised it and made it a heading...ask me if I care? The answer is no. 

And I'm not talking just the regular smegular £1.99 KFC snack box dick. What I mean by that is the penis that does the job, 5/10, the ones that lightly caress your inner walls (yes I'm going that deep) and soothes that itch...for a while. Oh no betch. I'm talking about that dick that you keep yourself prim and trim for at any given second, shaved from top to toe, put on your best panties (or no panties at all sometimes yaasss), drop your friends and family for at any given second, when you're at work you get dick withdrawal symptoms from, call in sick, miss out on an event, have you cooking in morning half naked for like your name is Melvin from "Baby Boy".

I'm not saying that this is their ONLY good attribute, but you know good and damn well it's a huge factor (excuse the pun). 

Like I said I'm not judging anyone and you damn sure shouldn't judge me! But it's all apart of life and fuck it! It's kinda rude to have someone that your seeing who doesn't have a job/ is a roadman/ has a BAG of kids/ no ambition/ has so much potential/ says he likes you a lot/ spends time with you.

Ok whilst we are on the subject a waste man has CHEEK to not spend time with you...I mean what else is the fatherfucker going to be doing?Reading a book? Evaluating life? Finding the cure of cancer. I wish a waste man WOULD tell me that he was too busy to come see me....I'm sorry what?  The only time his ass shouldn't be seeing you is if he had a job interview...anything else doesn't matter...no nothing...I don't care. Well unless he's that much of a waste and has legal issues...and nobody...has...time...for....THAT! 

Some of these waste men have NO SHAME in asking the woman in their life for money like my name is Barclays and they usually start with this statement of "I really hate asking/I usually wouldn't ask but/ Babe..I know I should ask but can you lend me some money?" now be warned they will either do:

1) Ask you for a small amount between £10-30 so that it doesn't seem like a lot of money to tickle the purse strings and promise to pay you back within a week....which never ever happens. 

2) Be REAL brave and ask for £300 and over but have some X Factor life or death story that makes you think if you don't give them the money...they will die....literally.

And what's your reward for standing by your waste man? A whole night and day of dick....wrapped up in a golden bow of more broken promises, lies and effort on your part before he leaves you again to begin his daily routine of NOTHINGNESS! 

It's even worse when you have a man that has the gift of the gab...and you know what I mean by that. If a man has your legs shaking, you orgasm to the point that you think you are ejaculating air, gasping for breath, losing your damn mind and the only way to express yourself is speaking the native Na'vi language from Avatar (see below) 

Then you my friend....are completely fucked...don't excuse the pun this time. 

It's not easy to let a good man go, it's even harder to let good D go....yeah I said it. Because womb pressure is not a nice thing to have and there's only so much you can do to avoid becoming dickstrated.

Read my previous blog "No Dickstractions in 2016"

These waste men that have been blessed with some burrito sized D know this too, because after we've listened to Beyonce's "Lemonade" album, we feel brave and you give them that speech you have rehearsed to your friends and yourself a million times about how you deserve better and can't be doing this no more, they act so understanding, they don't even fight to make it work because in the back of their mind they already know that even if you've deleted their number as extra back up (to avoid you making that call/text/whatsapp call in the middle of the night/checking their DM picture and drive yourself crazy looking for cryptic clues) the womb pressure...ALWAYS WINS. 

The worst thing is when your vagine act like Judas and you make that call, the wasteman will only be GLAD to come to your house and move your womb into your lungs after a few weeks of not giving them time of day..and boy do they make you pay for it when they see you. But have they changed? Got their life together? Step up in your relationship? Make things better for themselves and for you? Realise how close they were to losing you? 

NO

They will come back with SAME bullshit or even worse even MORE bullshit than when you left their garbage ass in the first place. 

But why should they change? You were happy to accept them in all their diarrhoea and glory before and yet you expected differently? For why? Because the D was that great so everything in their life must be too? NO BETCH. 

Wake up and smell the morning breath of the man you are giving the best part of you too and its not him disrespecting you....it's you disrespecting your damn self. Yes you. YOU decided to text him. YOU decided to go meet him / let him in your house, YOU decided to eat off his face and have sex with him so YOU my dear are the reason he is happily conked out beside you as you clutch your bedroom sheets naked feeling sorry for your damn self. 

If that is the kind of relationship/situationship that makes you happy then by all means honey you go girl. I hope that you dicked down happily ever after. But as I'm very protective over my Renegades (yes that you that reads my blogs) we all know that you deserve more and there are PLENTY of men out there that can not only give you the relationship that you deserve, make you happy, treat you like you are the queen of Zamunda but also have you walking diagonally to walk after a good session in the bedroom...if you make it that far!!!! 

Don't forget tickets are on sale NOW for my theatre play "Ex-periences"

Sunday 18th September 2016, 6pm at Lost Theatre

They are selling quick our first date was COMPLETELY SOLD OUT

Simply click the image below to purchase your tickets NOW! 

#KissesAndBumflicks